Letter To A Loved One...

From The Desk Of Jakob Musıck: Secretary-General of Nothing
May 26 2017 (Napoleon Receives Iron Crown Of Lombardy)
6 Prairial an 225 de la Révolution
Year Juche 106

Letter To A Loved One (Redacted)

Well,

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I may want to lash out but I'm not going to do it or say anything with intent to make you feel bad. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- That is not fair to you, and I do not believe that it was fair to me, given the circumstances to have you speak to me like that. I think you may not have experienced what it is like to have a disease and hear people tell you, that in the midst of your suffering, that it "was my fault". Do you really think I don't know that every morning------------

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Every confrontation we have, for years, I hear how "I don't get this" or that, "I don't understand" this or that. You two must think I am the biggest dufus upon this earth. I have heard that phrase---------------------------- more than almost any others.

I could go through and say every good thing I do, all the woes of my life, why you shouldn't judge me like that. blah, blah whatever. That kind of confidante relationship is not something we have ever had, and most times when we have, I have regretted it. Also, no person has to prove themselves to another. So I'm not going to go (though I could on and on.)

You said I don't have a job --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------When I tried to get another job in Jacksonville, at McDonald's it was you who told me not to! So many people told me I was making a mistake; that I shouldn't trust you given the past, that this problem would come back. Of course they were right.

There have been hundreds of applications and efforts to try to make money that I have undergone since 2015. I am not going to go into details because you don't want to hear these. And that would be manipulative, which I am not going to do.

To correct you, I do have a job. It is a full-time position at a charity and I am paid less than minimum wage. The programme is intentionally designed for me to be poor. I couldn't find anything else! This was my plan z! Do you think I want to earn less than minimum wage? Do you think I want to not be able to support myself? That would be insanity.

I don't need your help to take no pride in my monetary situation. Yes I am poor. I AM POOR. I have NO MONEY , but you know what, every day I wake up and I fucking help people with nearly no monetary incentive. In that I can take pride and I will tell that it is honourable and I am proud to do it.

For years, I have had to hear, because of my dependent position, all of you and ----- expression of resentment at supporting me. You continue to give me money despite saying you don't want to and that I impact you negatively. I think you are not allowing yourself to do what you want to do, so I will help you. Your actions and your words have not added up for years, and-------------------------------------------------you did not fully engage with the therapeutic process in the fullest that I know you could do.

Do you not think I want to be independent? In fact I have tried for most of the past few years to have as little from you as I could! But of course I'm still making less than minimum wage, so in what position am I to turn down money. How could someone in my situation do that?

I think for years you have been expressing that you don't want to support me. Unintentionally or not, you have let me know time and time again.

And I'm done being the target of this resentment. You keep complaining but you won't act. In 2015 or 2014, after one of these never-ending conversations about money you gave me ONE bill for my car insurance which I paid, and asked for anything you wanted me to pay for just give me the bill. You did maybe once and that was it? What am I supposed to take from this? Was it too much work to even give me a paper copy or even write down of what I should give you? It is from things like this that I and others have concluded the real issue is not the money at all, but your feelings that you are being taken advantage of, and that I do not deserve what I am getting; add onto this that I have received more monetary support in my life than either --- or you have in your lives when you were my age.

I demand that you keep a noting of everything you spend on me that you wish me to pay you back for. I will, of course, not be able to pay it back for several years, but I am an honourable person and I will pay you back. If you would have just had the decency to do this instead of putting me through all of this emotional turmoil for years, I could at least walk around not feeling like a burden. I don't even really think this is about money; I think it is about control -- and I'm not the only one. Scores of people have come upon this same conclusions. It is far past the time to liberate both of us from this neurotic cycle! Nonetheless, the money is what you talk about so I would like you keep a full amount of what I owe you so that I can pay you back in the future. Don't hesitate to go back as far as you would like. You have repeatedly let me know how hurt, angry, and frustrated you both are at me for having to support me. So let's fix this with a guarantee that when I can I will pay you I will if it takes decades I don't care. At least allow me to live with this dignity. Please. I have no money, I don't make enough to support myself, I am mentally ill, I live with slobs, ----------------------------------------------------------------------------and I have no friends or confidante in my community at all. Can you please at least give me this dignity?

If you do not start compiling my charges, I will not speak about this with you at all. In fact, I will hang up the phone if you try to talk about this. Because I *cannot* continue this way. This is not for you, it is for my psychological well-being. Clearly, you have let me know you are very distressed as well. It seems like this will solve 2 problems. Also, I remind you this of everytime we speak, but you do not have to do anything for me. At all. No one is forcing you.. I don't think I resent you, because as you have perfectly argued to me for years, I don't deserve what I have received, and it is an undue burden -------------------- when it could go to other ends, --------------------------

--------------------------You can choose whether to keep supporting me or not or what degree you want to do it, but I will not talk about it with you in this way any longer. Your speech is telling me you don't want to, yet your actions are doing exactly the opposite. All that I ask is that if you are going to withdraw support in a certain area, please give me one-months notice.

You can ask anyone I speak to, I have never had anything but boundless gratitude for the support I have received from you --------------------------------------. I have been given more than I deserve. I will tell that to anyone and have never expressed ingratitude since I have been an adult. I get that If nothing else I understand this from 15+ years of this being pounded into my head

I have been very lucky. But clearly this cannot continue. I think you will feel much better when you give me what you think I deserve.

Again, because you have proven unable to act, I will not talk to you about any of these matters until I get assurance that you have started to compile amounts you would like me to pay you back in the future. I honestly don't mind this-- it has been drilled into my mind for 15 years or more that I don't deserve what I have from you. Let's let our reality align with what should be, so that our relations can be without resentment and our actions align with our true feelings.  

I am going to cancel my procedure tomorrow. I will take care of it when I get my medicaid benefits in July. As you have told me, this was preventable by me. I deserve to suffer. ------------------------------------------------------------------

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Do not call me tonight; I will not answer. You can text or email me. Also I will let you tell --- they will not need to take me to surgery and let you tell that what you will, as you had originally made those arrangements. I will not take their calls tomorrow to give you a chance to sort that out.

As always, I am so thankful for everything materially that you have given me.

We can both celebrate my birthday this year, when you will have one less burden of mine!

Jakob